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Understanding
Children's Grief
A young child's perception is oriented
in the five basic senses. It is very difficult for children to comprehend
the concept of death. Below are some common factors in childhood grief,
regardless or age.
Children are concrete in their thinking. They need simple and honest explanations
of death. For example: "Sometimes someone is hurt too badly or is
too sick for the doctors and nurses to help them. Their body stops working.
They don't breathe; their heart doesn't work. They don't
feel hungry or tired. They have died."
Children generalize from the specific to the general. Because of this,
it is important to use words like "dead," "died," and "death." Phrases
such as "We lost Dad" or "Grandma went away" can
be very confusing for children.
Children are repetitive in their grief. They may ask the same question
over and over. They may often need to hear the story of how their loved
one died.
Children may regress to more secure time. Children may go back to a form
of coping that once worked for them. Examples of regression include bedwetting,
thumb sucking, attachment to a security item, increased crying and clinging
to a caregiver.
Children are physical in their grief. This is often referred to as "The
Big Energy of Grief." It is important to provide outlets for this
energy. Running games, sports, punching bags, and play dough are examples
of ways to release this energy out.
Children grieve cyclically. As they mature, they may revisit feelings,
questions and behaviors they had previously gone through. It is important
to remember the person who died. Sharing stories and keeping photographs
displayed are good ways to keep memories alive.
Children need control. It is important to offer choices to children whenever
possible. The death of a loved one leaves a child feeling very out of control.
They need to feel some part of their life is in their control.
Children grieve as part of a family. It is important to include children
in family decisions and activities. A child's grieving of the adults
in their lives. If adults who do not talk about feelings surround a child,
the child will not talk about feelings. If the expression of feelings is
a model for children to follow, they will be more likely to feel comfortable
expressing their feelings.
Text provided by:
Caring Connections
A Hope and Comfort in Grief Program
University of Utah Health Sciences Center
Caring Connections is sponsored in part by:
The Ben B. and Iris M. Margolis
Foundation.
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